Add photos to this blog soon!
I will. And when I get my camera there will be loads more too.
Add photos to this blog soon!
I will. And when I get my camera there will be loads more too.
We woke up this morning to our usual alarm going off, signaling it was time for me to get up and start getting ready for work. My eyes drooped felt heavy. I could only cuddle close to him; my arms around his middle and my legs intwined with his.
No way. I was going anywhere today.
For the next hour we cuddled closely, keeping each other warm with body heat, both of us too lazy to reach over and turn the air conditioner off as we did every morning. After a while we fell back into a deep sleep and didn’t wake up until the next alarm sounded. Finally I had to wakeup to call into work. After awhile we still laid there content with each other until time passed and on a whim he texted his boss and soon we were both ditching work.
When we were sufficiently awake and hungry, Daddy and I headed out for some breakfast! Bagels for a both (and also a donut for me… I was having a craving hehe). With our breakfast in hand we settled back into bed and turned one of our favorite shows, The Following. A
After being sufficiently surprised, on edge and a little bored on some parts, the rest of our day was filled with nothing but happiness. We played games together and for the first time this summer, and for the first time in general, I went swimming. Daddy had me lay back and put my legs in the air as he slipped on my one-piece over my legs and then had me stand up pull the rest up, tying it securely behind my back. It was freezing at first but I just jumped in and got used to it. I’ve figured out the only proper way to get into any large body of water is to completely and without hesitation, submerge yourself into its scary vastness. Soon, I was swimming and he was carrying me around and holding my by my ankles as I floating on my back, carrying me around the pool. I even followed his lead as he taught me to jump off the diving board… something I hadn’t done since I was younger. It felt like such happiness being able to do this. Ditching work to cuddle, kiss, swim and just enjoy our spontaneous day of light and laughter couldn’t have been any better.
Work is going to brag on tomorrow since today felt like Friday and it’s only Tuesday lol but that’s okay. We have plans for the weekend ;)
Life has taken a turn. I don’t feel happy anymore like I did for a couple days last week. In fact I don’t feel anything.. Except boredom but some would argue that that isn’t a feeling/emotion at all. I don’t think so either. But what else can I say? I’ve moments of “happiness” or “annoyance” but that’s about all. I want more though.
I’ve put all my good clothes away and have set out my “blah clothes” clothes is never wear out the house like sweat pants. I’ve put my makeup away except for concealer and powder to hide my dark circles. I also left out my mascara and blush but I don’t even know if I’ll use them. I’m not interested in anything anymore.
I just feel…
When she got off work they went out to eat. Just fast food but it was good. She held her head high and kept herself in positive spirits making sure to let go of any past pent up frustration she might have had. After all they were going to have fun tonight. Just the two of them.
She stayed quiet for fear she might ruin the plans by getting worked up over nothing. She only slipped once when he irritated her by doing something to the back of her neck with his fingers. It sent an uncomfortable vibration through her and she kindly said “please don’t so that”. She immediately regretted it because his face turned sour, “okay….” He replied.
Stupid she felt stupid. She should have just kept her mouth shut. She wanted to cry.
When they got home she laid with him in bed and they talked. He rubbed her cheek with his hand and looked her in the eye. She felt a small amount of warmth go through her. This is what she’s waited for. To be looked at with love and certainty. As they laid there she decided to climb on top of him, straddling him as she bent over him and kissing him deeply. He responded just as she hoped he would kisses her back just as deep his hands on her waist. He body turned on like a light switch, stirring up feelings she wanted to obey. She could feel him too. But she had to clarify. “Later. ” she smiled. “Why later?” “Cause. Don’t you want to make lover to me?” And he smiled and said “yeah” and kissed again before saying “and we fuck now”
She didn’t want that. She wanted to reconnect through love making. Honest, pure, gentle lover making that sent a wave of pleasure and heartbreaking love through her entire body. She kissed him some more and smiled before sliding off and laying beside him. She didn’t want it to go on any longer or there was no turning back and it would all be ruined.
But it was all ruined anyway.
They had fallen asleep and when she awoke it was after 7 and he was still sleeping. She tried waking him up once but on the second try she succeeded and he was up. But they weren’t going anywhere tonight. I was getting late and he was sleepy and she’s given up. But tomorrow he said. Tomorrow they’d go to camp and have their alone time.Until then she went downstairs and took a shower. Bathing with his body wash.
They kept fighting about the most trivial things. Arguing about who said what and rushing out in the mornings causing stress between them both. Lately it just seemed like anything and everything was fair game to fight about.
She thought to herself at work about him. About them. She thought of the times when she loved him like she never thought she could love. How her heart would swell and ache too full for her muscles to contain the butterflies. How she cried during love making once. Between the ecstasy of their limbs intertwined, his body on hers, his lips and her lips and their souls connecting as one; this time her heart did burst and those butterflies flowed from her eyes in liquid crystals down her cheek.
She sat there at her desk as these thoughts bounces around in her head like ping pong balls. Over and over until…
Enough was enough and she wanted him. She wanted to take him in her arms and kiss his cheek or better yet indulge in the taste of his lips as he put his arms around her waste, slipping one up her back and cupping the back of her neck and pulling her closer to him as if he was trying to consume as much of her as possible in a short amount of time.
The picture excited her. She wanted to make love to him right now. To take the day off and take a trip just the two of them. She could see it now: driving and singing to the songs from their iPhone connected to the auxiliary port. She shook her head to herself. She didn’t care about the arguments and the anger anymore. She didn’t care about who hurt who or who said what. She just wanted a clean fresh start with the man she loved to deeply once before. How could she have let them get like this? Wasn’t love what she lived for? They were too young for this dry and stale relationship they called love.
Tonight she was determined to get back what she felt for him, though she was already more than half way there. They were going to drive up to their camp where they’d take their 45 minutes hike up the mountain and find a spot away from any other campers. Tonight they were gonna rekindle their lost love.
Lately I’ve been reading more. That seems like a “yea, okay? Whatever” type of thing to some people but for me it’s different. Reading was my go to thing for years as a child and teen. I grew up with only books as comfort, confiding in them whenever something was wrong - or was it hiding in them? They completed my solitude with words that took me away for the time being. I often found myself sitting in class or maybe out somewhere thinking about ” a show I was watching” and how good it was and how I have to remember what it is so I can continue it only to realize I was thinking about the book I was currently reading. However , for years I stopped reading as life took a complete downward spiral and there was no time to read and my depression made it so I didn’t even want to. I lost interests in a lot of things I used to love while completely losing my self in the process as well. These past few days I feel like I’ve found myself again. I’ve read through a book I used to love only to find that I now NEED to continue the rest of the series. Sitting here without the next one is almost like I’m naked. A lady even stopped and said “no book?” And it made me smile inside because that’s who I always was: the girl who ways had a book.
But that isn’t all. Yesterday I went and saw my therapist I hadn’t seen in 3 years. I contacted her after remembering some childhood repressed memories I didn’t know how to handle. I was scared to go, concerned about whether or not I would break or suddenly fall apart letting anxiety slip through the cracks. Surprisingly though it was the exact opposite. We talked so much and she knew me and my situation well. I didn’t have to explain much so it was like I could finally just talk about how I felt instead of going into detail as to why. After the session was over I felt lighter in a sense and not just because I had to pee really badly and ran to the nearest McDonald’s to do so. There was a weight lifted from my shoulders and finally I left myself rising to the surface again. The “me” suppressed under all that darkness can see the light again. To be reading and talking about things that I’ve been keeping down, inside the deepest parts of myself makes this journey called life that much more easy. Because being myself should never be this hard to begin with.
Love is selfish,
love is pain,
love is anger,
love is rain.
But love is also,
Love is bliss
Love is sunshine
Love is happiness.
A quote: “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
-Robert A. Heinlein
I forgot about that last night and a few days before that. I’ve been worried about my self and my own feelings. If this makes him happy then I’m okay with it. Sometimes love doesn’t always means getting your way, and there isn’t always compromise, sometimes things just end up as it is and you won’t always get a say. Instead of stressing just let it go as Elsa would say and let them be happy. Sometimes seeing them be happy is the best reward in a relationship.
Let it go.